KGBlog

obviously given the topic of my last post love has been on my mind recently. oddly enough it has not been the type in the last post. more of the type referenced in the preceeding three posts.

i have this growing feeling that i might really want to love my god and that he might really want to love me. now i dont understand him and why he would let me get lost for two hours in charlotte while my friend waited patiently for me to meet her for dinner but i for some reason dont know that i have to know why. let me go back to that one. i mean i was mad last night, really mad. i was certain that there was no one benefiting from the fact that every set of directions i recieved for those two hours was way off. and i was furious at god, not because i was tired of driving around, but because my friend was having to suffer from my plight. but now i seem to think that i dont have to know why everything happens, and as much as i didnt think god was very helpfull last night i guess im still going to hold onto the idea that i am a part of his bride and that hes in love with me. so why do i have this feeling? i think that its due to all the stuff about worship i've been writing. i have experienced worship consistently for the past couple of months within the most genuine group i have found in a long time. i barely know any of the people there but regardless of our lives away from that place for the time that we are there we are all in the presence of our love. he is there with us and we are pouring out our hearts in song and prayer to him. what happens in that place is real. i'll come back to the thing i love most. by the end of the worship we have all nearly lost our voices and are belting out in cracking off pitchedness (including those leading the singing) the final repeted shouts of our praise to our god. there is something in the intensity of the worship and the passion of it that i love. it's like pastor alans sermons. theres nothing much to take away from them that is tangible. not a big lesson or a long list of to-dos, but just the feeling of having just been in gods presence and experienced him. to know a passionate love such as our gods can only inspire it within you. and that for me is the only thing that can inspire it. i am always told to be overwhelmed by the love christ demonstrated way back when on the cross. it has never done so. not once. i for some reason have always lived in the present. oh im grateful and happy that he did it but its past. show me a god that loves me here and now and youll get me going. show me a god who holds me in his grasp who whispers to me every hour of every day how much he loves me and you have my attention. it is the god that im beginning to believe still loves me, that i might just really want to love.

ps: this is in no way a shot at the upcoming easter holiday. im sure there are some people who are greatly impacted by the past and im all for that. its just not me at this point. also this "starting to believe thing" is a bit of a throwback to a back in the day blog about how awesome it would be if we as christians really believed what we said was true. ie: me really believing that god loves me, not just "knowing", would be pretty sweet.

Posted in: on Tuesday, March 06, 2007 at at 10:14 PM